Today is my last day at Concourse. I can’t believe I’ve been here for FOUR YEARS.
Strangely, it’s the longest professional job I’ve ever had. I wonder what that says about me. Probably just that none of the jobs I’ve ever had really fit me. It’s terrifying to be here contemplating the fact that this next move is to a “forever” job. I think maybe it’s best to NOT think about it this way. Thinking about forever is scary. Thinking about today, tomorrow, or even next week is much more manageable.
I’ve always been a person with an agenda. I mean this both literally and metaphorically. Ever since I can remember I kept a physical notebook where I planned out my life. I always knew exactly what I wanted and meticulously laid out my path to get there. It used to be easier during my school years. I was that person who grabbed the exam schedule and wrote down the dates at the start of the year. As I got older this became harder to do. Life lay like a blank book in front of me and my ability to plan things years in advance got more and more diminished. Needless to say, this pandemic has all but put a nail in that coffin. I can barely see an hour ahead into the future.
An unexpected discovery in all of this though is that it’s ok to not have a very detailed plan. Sometimes, you just have to get on the train going in the direction you want to go and trust that it will take you there. There are things I envision for myself in the future which I know I will achieve, even if right now I am not sure how it will happen. But I trust that it will eventually happen. I just have to keep pointing myself in that direction. One hour, one minute, one second at a time.
Maybe a better way to think about the future ahead of me is less that I am taking on a forever job and more that I am making a fundamental shift in my life. One of my friends told me that having kids is a “lifestyle choice” and so choosing to birth books can also be seen as a way of life. I am not choosing a job or career. Instead, I am choosing to live my life more deliberately, with more intention, more direction and more purpose.
Looking back, I finally have a fuller picture of what it means to “chase your dreams”. I think what’s unsaid about chasing your dreams is that the emphasis should be placed on the chasing part. It doesn’t just happen; just like I didn’t just happen on this life waiting on the docks. I spent a decade trying to get here, most of it failing, but always getting up and trying again. The last five of those years I woke up at 6:00 AM in the morning to write; the last four of those doing it before my all consuming day job.
Yes, I am blessed to have been able to do this, AND, I damn well earned it.
There’s a famous adage which I can’t even find a proper citation for that goes:
One does not discover new lands without the courage to lose sight of the shore.
And so my time has come to set sail again, for the captain has called me.
I cast off, once more!