This week I had my “last” meeting with my writing mentor before my hiatus. Speaking to her always fills me with hope and optimism. I am not sure what other writers are like but a refrain I often hear is that we both love and hate writing. Some days we think we’re the best writers in the world! But most days we feel shitty about ourselves and wonder how we ever thought we could even call ourselves writers.
It’s all very tortured. I don’t really know if other forms of art are like this. It feels like maybe not as much. I don’t hate myself for not drawing a comic or for missing a sculpting class (or whatever fill in the blank artistic pursuit) - but that might also be because I don’t stake my self-worth on those things. Either way, writing is the best thing I do (when I actually sit down to do it) and also the thing that tortures me the most (on all the days that I don’t manage write, which is a lot of them).
As I’ve talked about before, I have a very weird relationship with my writing because I’ve tried to do it full-time three times now. I’ve deliberately quit my corporate work three times in the past 9 years and none of them stuck. From “failing” to stick with writing full time after those three attempts - the latest one which kicked off this Substack - it has become painfully obvious to me that it’s just not time yet for me. I can’t let go of my corporate life just yet.
And for the first time, I feel like this is ok.
It used to bother me so much. I have a very all or nothing attitude about things. Maybe we can blame the Romantics but I keep thinking I should be dedicating myself fully to my writing in order to get somewhere. That I must suffer for my art. I am trying to mitigate this all or nothing attitude by reminding myself that moderation and living in the gray is what life is actually like. Living on the extremes is too difficult - at least for a risk averse personality like mine. Thus, after three tries, I cannot conclude anything else aside from the fact that it is ok to not be “writing full time” for however long it takes. I am not, and do not want to be - a starving artist in the slums of Bohemia. In fact, that kind of discomfort would only ruin my productivity because of my financial insecurity (even if imagined).
This week, my writing mentor gave me permission to be who I am - someone with a corporate job who is pursuing her writing on the side. That doesn’t make me any less of a writer who does it full time.
It’s incredible the power of someone else’s voice saying what you can only suspect in your head. She emphasized that most writers write on the side - it is just how the thing is. My partner has told me over and over again this same thing but for some reason it never really penetrated. Maybe because he’s not a writer, whereas my writing mentor is. He quotes my mother (of all people) and says “remember, your mom said you have to have some attachment to real life in order to write”. This clearly doesn’t have to be true for all writers, but for me and what I am trying to do - it is.
So no, there’s no need for me to try to rush to the finish line where I am full-time writing. Hell, I may never get there. Many published writers still have to teach and consult on the side. But maybe there will be a point - like what my mentor said - where I have enough material and research and have written enough of Book People to warrant going all out on doing it full-time for awhile. It’s not that time yet for me, but I finally accept that that’s ok.