I just don't wanna.

*shoulder shrug*

Lately the universe has been serving up a heaping plate of obligation and smushing my face in it. The obligations are especially potent when it’s coming from your family who have often shown themselves to be “without propriety” as my husband points out.

I have been struggling with finding ways to say no without causing harm. Mostly, (if I’m honest) it’s finding ways to avoid the obligation without being labeled a bad person by the family.

When you think about it, it’s a lot of emotional effort for no reason. People are going to think what they think and try as you might, you have no control over what they think.

So then I stretch truths.

Well, actually, I’m always truthful, but then the other-side doesn’t take the hint and doesn’t actually hear me. So then I have to stretch the truth.

If I am being even more honest, it simply comes down to the fact that I just don’t wanna. I have a million reasons why I don’t wanna but I am also tired of having to give those reasons. What if I just allow myself to feel like I don’t wanna?

I don’t wanna correct your daughter’s English homework. I don’t wanna do emotional labour for your telenovela life. I don’t want to meet up, or take you to dinner, or spend my very little precious energy with you. Because - I just don’t fucking wanna.

Or better yet, no ‘because’. There’s no because. There’s just NO.

Perhaps for now it’s enough for me to know how I feel, even if I am still incapable of saying an unqualified no. I am learning how to say no, and how to do it in a kind and gentle way without getting angry at the other side. I am learning how to give a very honest no and let that be enough. I am learning how to operate these more nuanced nos for myself. That part will probably take a lifetime of practice.

In the meantime I feel like my sore throat just turned into the flu…