Last week I didn’t write a post because drumroll… I had some of my besties in town visiting me! It’s been YEARS since we all got together and it was glorious to have that precious time together. This means I inadvertently skipped my Friday posting. It was planned in that I knew they were coming to town but it was also unplanned because I had forgotten to account for not being able to post.
This week, I’ve been sick with a head-cold and trying to recover. I had to move my session with my writing mentor to next Thursday and I still have a bunch of writing homework to do. I’ve been mostly just working the day job this week and not forcing myself to try to cram in writing work in the mornings and evenings and it’s been a nice breather.
But with that breather comes such a deep sense of guilt and shame. I’m never doing enough - never ever doing enough - for my writing.
What is this feeling? Why is it never enough? And why does it always feel like I am making no progress at all even when I try my darndest to make progress everyday? Is it just that I have to learn to still my heart even more and learn even more patience? Or is it that I am genuinely not making enough progress?
Writing group has been off for about two months now and I am excited that we’ll pick back up in May. But then I don’t particularly have anything new to show for writing group while time is just doing it’s unending thing, constantly marching forward.
Why am I in a rush? And what is the rush for? Why do I constantly feel like I’m running out of time to do something big and impactful with myself and with my life? Why do I keep feeling like I am behind? Behind whose schedule? What imagined perfect writer am I comparing myself to? Is it all just a mental construct to self-sabotage so that I feel not good enough? Why am I doing this to myself?
This morning, I had some deeply contemplative moments where I felt like because I’ve been struggling to be a writer for the last decade, I have, in effect, been actually splitting myself into two. On the one hand I have been doing corporate work - and after three attempts to quit fully, have resigned myself to currently being unable to let that go. And on the other-hand I have been trying to be a writer. Because of a decade of essentially doing both, I feel like I am nowhere near where I *think* I ought to be on either fronts. I don’t hold some sort of important corporate job with a fancy title like partner or CEO or am in a leadership role, nor have I had really any visible success with my writings.
In trying to break away from my corporate career and being a full time writer - I have basically been half-assing both and not accomplishing either to the nth degree that I expect of myself.
I suppose there is something to be said about being consistent, which is that it is hard and that it is what takes up so much energy. At least I have been consistent about continuing to balance both, even if most days it feels easier to just choose the day job and say that’s good enough. Also, that I had a lot of adventures and fun in the mess of it all, even if so much of it has been difficult and felt pointless. Even if I’ve just been doing the same dance with Mr. endless disappointment or Ms. let down, at least I am consistently dancing?
Even after all this time, all I have are a bunch of questions without answers. That, and a blinking cursor. I guess I have to just keep dancing.